Trends with Men?

I have a conversation every few months that began for me maybe fifteen years ago.  It's some variant on "what's happened to men?"  Let me begin by saying that absolutely none of you awesome men are in any way being described here, I'm confident.  And this isn't a commentary on my church or on any specific church.  Rather let's call it "something in the air."   I'd love your perspective on it.

Here's how the conversation began for me fifteen or so years ago.  A friend who worked with college student Christian groups said something like, "Dave, the young men we're working with now are a different breed than when you were in school.  They're hugely more reluctant, say, to lead.  They hang back and wait for others to initiate things.  The women, by and large, take much more initiative both in leading our groups and in life in general." 

I confirmed with him that he regarded this as different than in my day--which he emphatically did.  And then I asked him for theories about why that change might have happened.  His take at the time: increased divorce among the parents of these young men.  I asked why this wouldn't have equally affected women and his theory ended there, but he still very much held to it.

This conversation has never gone away since then, recurring--as I mentioned--once every few months, it seems.  The version of it I hear in churches has these twists.  (A) "We have vastly more marriage-able and awesome young women than young men." (B) "When we look at our leadership pool (especially among single people),  it's disproportionately female."  (C) "Of the (heterosexual) marriage-able young men who are in our church, they take very little initiative with women."  (D) "It's not that we never meet young, dashing men who seem full of leadership and drive--we just, by and large, meet them in settings other than churches (business settings, the local basketball court)."  This last one has some particular interest, because it would argue that many churches repel a certain sort of man.  (You may have read somewhat recent books like Why Men Hate Going to Church or Wild at Heart which would expound at some length on point (D).) 

Again, let me just say, I'm not talking about you, oh male reader (in fact I'd suspect that this blog ferrets out a particularly motivated, handsome and visionary sort of man).  I'm not talking about my church (or yours, so far as I know).  I'm just talking about conversations that cross many lines. 

Some theories that I hear thrown out for some of these observations.  Why don't marriage-able men take more initiative than they do with marriage-able women?  (A) Widespread access to and use of pornography takes the edge off.  (B) I hear stories of men who have taken such initiative, seen the relationship go bad, and then the woman's friends in the church trash him to all their friends.  Which gets back to the man's friends.  Who no longer feel safe around or attracted to any of the woman's catty friends.  So the men don't ask them out and keep lots of distance from them.  Which gets them criticized by the same women as being spineless and weak.  Which gets back to the guys.  Which reinforces the pattern.  (This would argue that churches are uniquely safe and unsafe settings for relationships.  They give a great context for them.  But if the relationships go bad, it's much harder than it would be if you didn't share all the same friends and show up every Sunday at 11 to the same place.)

As to whether men in church settings are uniquely less initiative-taking and leadership-loving than they used to be, I wonder if that goes back to the subject of this blog.  If our world is rewarding secularism more and more, if secular terms are becoming ever-more compelling than the terms of faith, maybe it's no wonder that some men of a certain sort (did I mention?--NOT you and your male friends in your church, who rock) turn their attention to work or fame or hard partying.

All to say, this is a conversation I keep having.  What's your take?  Are these observations bunk?  Do you have theories about them?  (And, needless to say, given that you may well have friends from your church--which in some cases will be MY church--who READ this blog, I'll trust your delicacy not to trash them in your comments.  But I'd, again, love your thoughts.)