Let’s talk about sex/ Tim A

Having grown up a Presbyterian and spent most of my life attending church, it seemed to me that one of the most sacred cows in the church, whether acknowledged consciously or not, was its attitude toward sex.  Which I feel I can sum up in one easy-to-remember rule: don’t do it until you’re married.

That was basically it.  After that, at least when I was growing up, we didn’t really talk about it that much, and when we did talk about it, the discussion always focused on resisting temptation.  However, at the same time, I was going through puberty – you can imagine how that went.  I tried my best to be a “good” and “pure” Christian while I was a teenager, which really led to a lot of guilt and shame.  I thought, “it must be a test of my faith” or, “when I get married it will all be worth it.”  I read and re-read bible passages like Proverbs 7 (which said I would die if I gave in) and 1 Corinthians 10:13 (which told me that I had no excuses if I did).  I’m not exaggerating when I say there was a time when I felt my relationship with God depended entirely on whether or not I had masturbated that day, or a time when I thought that the only way I could be a “perfect” Christian would be to castrate myself.

It’s only been recently that I’ve started thinking there’s gotta be something more.  There has to be more that we can say about sex, and teach our kids, than just “wait until you’re married.”  I’m not advocating the complete abolishment of the rule (I do believe that you can be celibate and have a healthy sexuality), but I am going to argue that the rule, and a narrow-minded focus on obeying it, by itself, isn’t enough.

The biggest problem with this attitude toward sex is that it praises asexuality, and emotional problems that point us away from sex.  Since the goal when it comes to sex is to resist it, then it makes total sense that we praise things that keep us as far away from sex as possible.  For example, I have known women who are dealing with serious body-image problems who also tell of having little to no sex drive (the two are commonly linked), even to the point of being disgusted by the thought of being kissed.  Yet I can imagine, at least in some Christian circles I’ve been in, this mentality almost being praised – if a girl always dresses “modestly, so as not to be a stumbling block” and never lets a boy kiss her, she must be pure and holy in the eyes of God, right?  Same goes for the boys – I was always too guilt-driven and ashamed of my own sexuality to actually pursue a girl (since I wanted to go after a girl I was attracted to, but always felt guilty about the fact that I was attracted to her).  But this mentality only led to my being praised for my apparent “holiness.”

It also leads us to take more and more asexual attitudes towards dating – like Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which caused quite a firestorm in Christian youth groups in the 90’s for telling teenagers we weren’t supposed to date.  And recently there’s apparently been a movement advocating the “Christian side hug,” telling kids that hugging from the front is too sexual – now you have to hug from the side! All the while, studies have shown that a large majority of kids who take abstinence pledges break them, and they are actually more likely to engage in high-risk sexual behavior (ie, unprotected sex) than those who don’t take the pledge, which gives me the feeling that we’re doing something wrong here.

So I feel like there’s gotta be something more.  There has to be a way that we can accept our sexualities as a God-given gift, rather than a curse to endure until we’re married.  I think it comes down to being proactive, in pursuing a healthy sexuality, rather than reactive, in resisting temptation.  I think that waiting until marriage, while not a bad thing in and of itself, isn’t really supposed to be the point – the point is to learn and explore and talk about sex, and grow as a result (which also strikes me as way more Stage 4 than the Stage 2 obedience to the abstinence rule).  I think that we would do well to embrace the erotic and sensual as part of our spiritual experience – to see God as the Lover (or Beloved) of the soul, and let go of the guilt and shame that so often burdens us when it comes to sex.

Thoughts?