Were You Bullied?

From the lighthearted (yesterday's conversation) to the super-heavy.

My beloved state has been in the news again for less-than-optimal reasons because of the bullying-induced suicide of a South Hadley high school freshman girl and the aggressive prosecution of her alleged bullies. 

I'll fly my flag up front and say that this is on my mind today because of two shocking/distressing bits of news I got this morning in a five-minute span.  One is that my own bright and sensitive son is being targeted by an online bully who's set up a site posing as my son and then posting attempts at humiliating him.  And then, in something that's unrelated yet feels related (in the strong-targeting-the-weak sense), I heard that this past Saturday, a particularly beloved Seek grad from 2001--who experienced faith with us, got married, and then moved to the Midwest several years back--was strangled to death, allegedly by her husband, on Saturday.  They have three young kids.

So I'm in shock.  But, in my shock, my emotions are racing to all the scriptures setting up as perhaps the highest person-to-person command that the strong protect the weak.  The Israelites are condemned in Amos because they failed to do this.  This is behind the Levitical code of hospitality to the stranger.  My Bible-reading plan this morning guided me to passages that both seemed on-topic (Proverbs 17:5--Those who mock the poor insult their Maker/ those who rejoice at the misfortune of others will be punished) and seemed helpful as I pray for my son and for all parties to this murder-tragedy (Ephesians 6--we're not fighting against people, in the end, but against high-level demons).

(Watch on YouTube.)

But I also realize that this newfound societal hardline stance against bullying is, in fact, pretty newfound.  My memory is that, until very recently, bullying was seen as a regrettable rite of passage.  In fact, a lot of the advice went to the person being bullied, as if their toughening up was what was really needed--and perhaps they should reassess whatever behaviors they exhibit that lead stronger kids to want to bully them. 

Why do you think attitudes have changed towards this?  And are you with me that this attitude shift is a profoundly biblical shift coming none too soon, or am I missing something?

And were you bullied?  Did you learn anything from the experience, or is it impossible to learn anything under such circumstances?  Did God play any role, pro or con, in your experience?

And--this would be a bolder step, but just in case you're in a sharing mood--do you recall bullying other kids yourself?  What motivated you?  How have you thought about that since?

Comments

[Jeff]

I'm only 32, so I know I have a limited view. But my 6th and 7th grade years were easily, easily the worst years of my life. And I've walked through some other painful things. But the total rejection, constant harassment, painful loneliness left a mark I still feel.

Did I learn from it? I did. Did I grow from it? I did. But, I can't say I'm glad for it. I wish it hadn't happened. While I can see the fruit it has born in my life, I can also feel the scars.

I'm praying for your son, Dave- Jesus, come to the rescue!

[Vinceation]

Dave, totally praying for your son and your fam.

My childhood see-sawed back and forth between rejection and mild acceptance, but the acceptance was always because I changed not those around me. Like Jeff, I can definitely point to growth because of my rejected experiences, but I think the cons hugely outweigh the pros as (most significantly) I was majorly hardened against publicly expressing my feelings, a process that other life experiences had already begun.
This does seem a hugely overlooked, yet Biblically clear, problem. As kids get older, socialization happens almost exclusively through interactions with peers at school. When those interactions are unsafe, fear-inducing, or lead to emotional or physical hurt, resulting adult attitudes and resistances to community are easy to predict.
I guess it's an example of something that ought to be at the center of faith but is cast aside in favor of hot-button peripherals.

[Jon]

I was bullied a lot for a few years and it had some pretty profound effects on me all of them negative. People tend to view bad events and the personalities that emerge after them as toughened or hardened by the experience for the better in the end.

I think back to a tough Russian I read as having been "hardened by the Gulag". Now at first glance this seems reasonable right? He's tough, the Gulag was harsh and for having survived it that made him tougher than say a privileged American journalist. The problem is that we have a bias towards looking at survivors and then working backwards to conclude something about what happened to them as a result of the experience we already knew. That this person survived the Gulag doesn't mean that they are stronger for it only that they survived. It's quite possible that stronger and tougher people didn't survive it for any number of reasons. Going through trauma reduces your life expectancy, lowers your immune system's response to disease, and increases the likelihood of an accident like falling. It's all bad news.

I relate this to bullying because I've encountered many people who have been bullied who feel like it made them stronger because they survived. We wouldn't conclude that for illness or a terrible injury but for bad experiences we fall into this trap because we ignore the obvious fact that many people who weren't bullied go through life just fine and I'm sure some of them are pretty glad they didn't have to go through it even. There is a lot of silent evidence out there and it's hard to keep in mind when making snap judgement about the effects of an experience thus the indifference to the effects of bullying by parents.

I'm sorry to hear about your son Dave. I hope that it ends soon. I'm amazed that kids go online to do this sort of thing considering the fact that it's all so traceable. I wouldn't even consider doing that were I so inclined to bully someone.

[Holly]

In school, I wasn't bullied; I was just quiet and invisible. As an adult, I feel like few people have tried harder to be sensitive to others' feelings, which is why it's odd for me to say that I have a story that, at least on the surface, places me in the other position.

A few years ago, I was in close proximity to another woman who'd spent much of her youth being bullied. She saw the world through that lens, and I wound up cast in the role of a bully. If I was quiet, or joking, or minding my own business and not wanting to be interrupted, it was viewed as bullying. I questioned my own motives at first, to the point of apologizing and repenting and asking her forgiveness, but eventually learned that there was no way to make her happy; any misunderstanding was misunderstood as bullying. One of the unfortunate consequences of this was that I ended up becoming so frustrated and angry that, after a while, I DID want to hurt her. I tried to avoid her company, so as not to take my anger out on her, but again that was seen as a cruelty of its own. At the risk of making a diagnosis that I'm not qualified to make: It was as if she was so used to being the victim that she assumed that role until someone played along and victimized her. I continued to fight it, but in the end felt like God rescued ME when he placed distance between us.

I'm not in ANY way saying that those who are bullied bring it on themselves. That's not my point at all. I'm just telling my odd little story, in the spirit of sharing and honesty, of how painful it was to be seen as The Mean Person by someone else.

[Peter Eavis]

Ugh. What a shock to find that your son is being targeted like that. I am praying for a complete resolution of this situation and his immediate protection. Nothing I've read recently about bullying dissuades me from the standard view that bullies are acting out of fear and self-loathing. Sadly, families often give rise to those traits, so, as welcome as the newfound disgust toward bullying is, I am pessimistic about a societal change. Of course, God could bring that about - and maybe this pessimism should move me to pray for that...

[Theresa Musante]

It's a relief to see people taking bullying seriously. I endured bullying in middle school, and I've been racking my brain trying to think of something that I learned from it. God has since worked for good in rescuing me from the effects of that, but I don't think I learned anything from the bullying itself. Except that it's bad.
I'm a bit concerned that as a society we could swing from not taking bullying seriously to throwing kids in jail (which I would see as being overly harsh and unhelpful in most cases). But I'm so glad that people want to protect the weak rather than simply tell them to toughen up.

[bsergott]

Not having a father in my life always made me question my manliness. But I was a really big, strong guy in high school. I was in high school in the stone age, so there was no cyber-bullying. They did it the old fashioned way, with sticks and stones. I was left alone, but I saw many kids being tormented. It made me very angry, so I targeted the bullies. It didn't make me any better, even though I felt self-righteous protecting the weaker, smaller kids. They looked up to me, and it made them feel empowered a bit. However, I think all I did was further belittle the bullies, who probably were acting out of similar experiences from at home. I felt rage every time I saw the senseless victimization of kids, but I became a bully myself out of that, and therefore no better than the ones I was confronting.

All that being said, I think there needs to be an incredibly quick and unforgettable response to defend the victims and prosecute the vagrant punks that are acting as bullies. Any victim of abuse, whether sexual, physical, or emotional, needs an advocate who immediately acts on their behalf to minimize the hurt and trauma. Dave, I will pray for your son. I'm sorry he is experiencing that.

[nogills2]

I remember as a kid bullying took the form of words and sometimes fist, or wrestling, kicking and such. Today it has escalated to words,guns and knives. One of the things in todays society is the total disregard for LIFE, own life and others life. Everyone seems to be totaly focused on themselves, and we back it up with everything, from TV to homelife. As a kid mom encouraged us to fight bullies with fist, recently in New Orleans, "Home", A mom encoraged her teenaged son to get a gun to deal with his bully, and he did, now mom and son are both facing charges.

When did all this escalate, some claim when prayer was removed from school, It appears that our society insist that we follow all others, Romans, Greeks and others. We are reaching the place where we are thinking "The Government" will take care of us, but have forgotten that "WE" are the government.

[Phil]

The bullying behavior demands consequences, definitely. Just remember that hurting people hurt people. Rather than a gut reaction that demands vengeance, these bullies need serious, loving intervention. Yes, suspend or even expell them, show that there are consequences, but let's do it in love rather than some kind of smackdown that just repeats the cycle.

Heard one time about this village in a remote part of the world. A person there who breaks the social code (let's say he steals a chicken) is brought into the village center, and all the residents gather around him. The entire day is spent with one person after another telling him how much they love him, how much they value him, how much they accept him and want him as part of this community. "Please don't leave us," they say. The person inevitably breaks down in tears. There is repentance. I think Jesus is working through these people.